ZeroKaname: who will love this girl?
by juliet2
Summary: Kaname and Zero join their forces for a rather strange cause...settling Yuuki with a good marriage...please this is a VK parody so you should not take any of this seriously. Vampire Knight belongs to its creator and we are writing this for fun.
1. Chapter 1

**This is a VK parody that both me and Nuitetoile21 from the VK Manga forum started writing just for the fun of it. All characters are out of character and all events and actions you are going to read are exagerrated so don't take any of this seriously. They are still funny things happening as Zero and Kaname join their forces and their minds in order to settle Yuuki with a good marriage. Please enjoy and forgive us for making Yuuki so...(well you will understand once you read it)...but we could not resist to the fun of it. Enjoy..**

AT THE KURAN'S HOUSE…  
Yuuki tried to find the strength to keep her eyes open, her voice sounded at the room as she actually screamed;  
YUUKI: What do you mean Onii-sama when you are telling that you are not my brother? Oh, no don't tell me you are my sister, are you gay Onii-sama?  
Kaname sighed with despair. ''How many times do I have to explain this to her?'' he thought.  
KANAME: Come.  
He leaded her to the room where his coffin was. Yuuki started drinking his blood and travelling back in time, now she could see the bitter memories of his distant past. Kaname really hoped that is new improved audiovisual version of his life might help her understand his real self.  
Yuuki kept drinking his blood until suddenly she pushed him away. Her round big eyes where full of questions.  
YUUKI: WHO WAS HER?  
KANAME: That was the wife I had in the past. She is your great grand-grand-grand- grand –grand-grand- mother.  
Yuuki suddenly started running out of the room with her eyes full with tears.  
Kaname followed her without understanding what was wrong.  
He entered her room and he saw her throwing things all over the room.  
YUUKI: GO AWAY!  
KANAME: Yuuki…  
YUUKI: You told me that you love me and now…you go and kiss another woman! In front of me!  
KANAME: You realize that this happened in the past, right?  
YUUKI: Eh?  
KANAME: The woman you saw me kissing is your ancestor...  
YUUKI: I don't care! You kissed her! How could you just kiss her in front of my eyes?  
KANAME: But Yuuki...if I was not with her back then you would not be here now...  
YUUKI: Don't try to confuse me! You kissed her and now you are trying to cover it up with stories about ancestors. Seriously do I look so stupid to you? I wonder what else you will try next…!  
KANAME: I will be here in two minutes…  
KANAME (on the telephone): Hey! Zero! My friend! ..yes..yes…long time..but I was wondering…do you still want Yuuki? What time should I bring her?

AT ZERO'S HOUSE  
Yuuki is at Zero's house and she is crying sitting at the couch.  
ZERO: Yuuki, I am not sure that I understand what the problem is…  
YUUKI: Are you stupid Zero? For the last 5 hours I am explaining this to you! I told you! Kaname has another lover. He showed her to me!  
ZERO: That was in the past. How is that a problem?  
YUUKI: ZERO! He said he loved me! Me and only me! Not me and some -ancestor!  
ZERO: But if he hadn't a wife in his past you wouldn't be here, Yuuki.  
YUUKI: Oh I see... now you say the same things as he did... what is this now? From enemies you became allies? Ha?  
ZERO: YUUKI IF HE DIDN'T HAD ANOTHER WIFE THEN HE WOULDN'T HAVE KIDS! SHE IS YOUR GREAT GRAND-GRAND-GRAND MOTHER!  
YUUKI: MY GOD! HE CHEATED ME WITH MY GREAT GRAND-GRAND-GRAND MOTHER? AND HE HAD KIDS WITH HER TOO? DONT TELL ME HE IS MARRIED WITH KIDS? AND HE HAS ME AND THAT ANCESTOR LADY AS LOVERS? DOES THE POOR GRANNY KNOW? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

ZERO: I will be back in few minutes...  
Zero goes the kitchen and he drinks half a bottle of blood tablets and two shots of whiskey shaking his head.  
Zero to himself: You are fine, can you hear me? She won't drive you crazy..no, no, you finished the sessions with your shrink, she won't send you back there….No way...now let's call Kuran…

ZERO(on the telephone): Kuran, I don't care! After all she is your daughter, niece, sister, wife, great grand grand grand grandchild...please man... I have all these psychological problems...don't push me to suicide...what do you mean you are ready to go to slumber for the rest 500 years? Wait, don't shut that coffin's door…I' ll loose signal…Wait do you think that maybe Cross wants her back?

CHAIRMAN'S HOUSE

CHAIRMAN: Oh how lovely! My dear girl, my dear vampire and my dear hunter came to visit me!  
YUUKI: I am not talking to them. They are such liars!  
ZERO (to Kaname): Why did you do that? Why did you go explaining?  
KANAME: Well...I knew it was difficult for her to understand it all but I didn't expect this …  
They both look at Yuuki who is talking to the Chairman.  
YUUKI (to chairman): Can you believe him? Ancestors and craps!  
ZERO: (to Kaname) Ok man…you did a mistake. Erase her memories and put an end to this…  
KANAME: Hm, how many chapters back? 50 Perhaps?  
ZERO: KURAN! I won't start from chapter 4 because of you. I told you don't push me…  
KANAME: Zero I really understand now that Yuuki is not for me, … You don't want her back? In the latest chapters you even wore my coat the way I do…what was all that effort for?  
ZERO: Oh, hm, that, well just trying to fix my style…Give me a break dude! I have fewer years to live than you have… I want to enjoy my life! Like I said…she is your wife, your sister, your great grand grand grand grand daughter, your responsibility, your problem. I am leaving…  
YUUKI: Now Zero don't leave me alone with him….  
KANAME: Ah good choice Yuuki, see you in a hundred, thousand… years…  
ZERO: KURAN YOU HELP ME IN THIS, THIS IS YOUR FAULT…  
KANAME: Oh sure I can help you…I never deny anything to my friends, here a book so that you explain to her how the kids are born, candies I always carry it around so she stops talking that much, a what else do I got? Oh and a photo of me in case she misses me….  
Yuuki: No, no, I want my onii-sama back…( CRIES)  
KANAME: Hm, what should I do now?  
ZERO: Good lord, Kaname! Make her forget it! Make it up to her… Sleep with her or something!  
KANAME: ha, ha, ha…  
ZERO: Why are you laughing?  
KANAME: Yuuki! Tell Zero how babies come.  
YUUKI: Don't get me mad Kaname! I am still mad at you that you don't want to clean the chimney!  
ZERO: Chimney?  
KANAME (to Zero): She believed that a stork will bring the baby to us.  
ZERO: For goodness sake! Why don't you explain this to her?  
KANAME: Are you serious? Once I tried to tell her about the bees and the flowers and she lost it. She understood nothing. Actually her reply was ''why are you talking me about flowers Kaname-sama? It is still winter…''  
ZERO: I don't understand where is the problem…After all I thought you were extremely masochistic… What more could you ask?  
KANAME: Yes I am masochistic but only if sex is included … but I also am very sadistic…with or without sex, do you want me to make it more clear for you?  
ZERO: Mmmm… I believe that she has no clue about what sex is. Once in the school when I tried to kiss her, she was wondering about four chapters if I was trying indeed to kiss her or something else happened...  
KANAME: YOU TRIED TO KISS MY YUUKI?  
CROSS: AH! I grew you up like sister and brother! How much of a pervert can you be Zero? I am ashamed (sobbing) of my only son…Now you should make it up to us, tell us in FULL details what happened and what else you did to her…you monster...  
ZERO: Well there was one day she threw her bra to me...  
Kaname: (looking at Yuuki who still sobs) You should be ashamed…thank god I had put you to sleep so many times that there is nothing left to see or I would be very defended about this Yuuki.  
Yuuki: You slept with my granny…you beast…  
CHAIRMAN: Hey Zero are you hungry? (he shows to him his neck)  
ZERO: Like daughter like father...Hey Kuran what the hell are we going to do? She is your problem, do you realize this?  
KANAME: Well…I know it's my problem but I really can't find any solution….one year now…all these questions from nowhere… ''Kaname –sama why that..Kaname -sama why this..'' and no sex at all! Zero I really can't stand this anymore.  
Zero is laughing.  
KANAME: You find it funny?  
ZERO: No man, I don't. I just knew that this would happen... why do you you think that I didn't try to find her one year now?  
KANAME: How you knew that this would happen?  
ZERO: Give me a break Kaname… At school she was talking only to me…with you she was too embarrassed to tell or ask anything...  
KANAME: Ah those were very happy days…  
ZERO: Ok let's ask her who she really wants…  
KANAME: Hm, hm, don't you prefer Zero Yuuki? I mean look at him, young, fresh, sexy coat, wait isn't that the one I had left at the academy? Anyway… I continue, vampire hunter future president, steady salary, free coupons for the islands, great west fandom and most importantly, he loves purebloods…  
Zero looks back at Kaname with a killer look…  
Zero: Ah what can I say about Kaname Kuran? My favorite vampire leader? Maturity, eternal beauty and youth, tasteful blood (that thing went to kill me), great wardrobe, he does it all and he can eat anything from food that you prepare to mean vampires, durable, rich, the east adores him and most importantly he likes you even if you dress yourself with rugs  
Kaname: No, I don't…I spend half of my fortune to buy her that shoes and dress from Paris…  
Chairman: (drawling) Yuuki you make a decision or I will take them…  
Yuuki: I can not decide…Can I have both of you?  
KANAME ZERO: NO!….  
They both turn their backs at her and they start whispering…  
Kaname: What do we do ?  
Zero: Let's make a plan… How many single –vampires do you know?  
KANAME: Oh you don't mean that…  
ZERO: Why not?  
KANAME: That's a very good idea! Mmmm…let's see…  
KANAME and ZERO (at the same time): AIDO!  
KANAME: Chairman look after Yuuki we have to go somewhere…  
ZERO: Yes…we will back soon…  
CHAIRMAN: Oh! Why are you leaving? Don't want to stay and sing little happy songs all together?  
YUUKI: Let them leave… They are probably going to find this ancestor- whatever she is.  
CHAIRMAN: Oh how nice! Kaname why don't you bring her here to lunch all together? I can add one plate to the table…  
YUUKI: FATHER!  
CHAIRMAN: My Yuuki called me father….. (he melts on the floor)  
Kaname and Zero find the perfect opportunity to leave the place.


	2. Chapter 2

Aido's House

Aido sits at the carpet on his kneels whereas Kaname is sitting at the leather couch with his relaxed posture, lecturing him over the past 2 hours 38 minutes and 53 seconds. Zero on the other hand has slept with his back against the wall with his hands crossed and bloody rose pointing…em, hm, somewhere.

All the Aido family is waiting next door ear dropping the conversation proud to be soon related with the Kuran clan. Aidou's mom is already on the phone talking to her tailor whereas his dad signs to her to put the phone down; he cannot hear well Kaname's speech. The only thing that he can hear a continuous "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, I hate vampires….kill….purebloods zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, beasts…bloody….all"

Kaname stops lecturing Aido irritated by Zero's non-stop sleep rumbling and he looks at him quite annoyed…

Kaname: Kiruy…! Kiruy…ZERO!

Zero snaps out of his sleep in total confusion…and points Kaname and Aido with his gun….

Zero: What? Who? Bloody VAMPIRES!…..Oh? …Hm..yes continue… you bloody…vampires… (Looks at them hostile and relaxes back with his back against the wall)

Kaname and Aidou pay no more attention to him and here we return to Kaname's lecture.

Kaname: Yes…as I was saying as a compensation I will provide to you the Kuran Mansion, uncle Rido's remains, that's in the basement and a cozy bungalow in the tropical.

Aido: What? Rido?

Zero: Uncle who? That bastard is alive?

Kaname: Well, mistakes happen, but he is a very good mirror, I personally have use him regularly. I especially recommend him for meditation sessions and nerve's therapy. When I am unhappy I just blow him…Over the last chapters of my despair he had been my greatest comfort.

Zero: Oh boy…I paid 1.000 bucks at the shrink shooting moving ducks over anger release, couldn't you make a phone call? You bloody..vampire…now I know why I hate you…even more...

Aidou: I AM SORRY…I DON'T MEAN TO BE RUDE BUT I DO NOT WANT RIDO…and to be precise I do not want Yuuki, I know that this a loyalty test, even though my genius cells at my brain still do not understand what Zero is doing here…but anyway…

Kaname: You do not want Yuuki?

Aido's dad (from next door): Be careful son this might be a trap…

Aidou shocked: I do not want Yuuki…

Zero (pointing Aido with his gun): Are you sure you don't want Yuuki?

Aidou: Can someone explain it to me? Kaname-Sama you did all you could to get Yuuki..

Kaname: Yes..but then when I saw my ex at this improved audiovisual version of my life –by the way I have it on DVD do you want it?

Aidou (with little hearts in his eyes): Yes…

Kaname: Thought so…here you are…(hands him the DVD, Aido puts it in his pocket), yes, I discovered that I need something more rough…more blonde...that can ride horses and possibly…(almost whispering) me..

Aidou: Looks back at Zero whispering: you slut…

Kaname: What?

Zero: Look is that going to take all day long? I have other things to do, kill some blood thirsty vampires and bla bla bla... Hey Kuran give me that your cell phone.

Kaname: Why?

Zero: I am calling Kaito with his electric axe…to take care of this in NO time…let me show you how hunters do it...

Aidou (freaking out, hair at the air): Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, not again...

Kaname: Now Aido, how do you always manage to get into trouble? I cannot understand this….

Aidou: Well Kiruy why don't you take Yuuki?

Zero: Me? Listen to me you bloody vampire, I paid one year's salary in my shrink sessions…I finally want to hate and kill purebloods without regrets…besides no boobs a year now…

Aido's family from the next room: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Kaname: Yes that's very true…

Aido's family from the next room: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Kaname: What? I have not touched her…

Aidou (hands trembling, drawling): Has she touched you?

Aidou's dad to mom: I told you there was something wrong with my boy when I found him hiding that letters to Kaname-sama, age thirteen, you did not listen to me…

Aidou's mom: Oh dear…

Aidou: And why should I marry her? What I am the scapegoat of VK? I have a great fandom behind and they all say how smart I am…

Zero: No, they all say how much in love you are with Kaname…

Aidou's dad to mom: Bring my pills I have a heart-attack…

Aidou's Mom: Oh stop exaggerating you cannot die…

Aidou's dad: Why? Why are you reminding me of so cruel things to me?

Aidou: What? Who says that rumours?

Zero, Kaname: Everyone….

Aidou: They are just jealous because I am the only one who Kaname-sama trusts, no one is so close to him and I do hope so Ruka is reading this script, yes they are JEALOUS!

Aidou's dad: I am dying…woman….

Kaname: Aidou approach…

Aidou crawls to Kaname…

SLAP

Aidou touches his cheek excited…

Kaname: Sit back…

Aidou to Zero: That's the whip of love intended for me ONLY….Aha!

Zero thinking (THEY ARE PERVETS…ALL OF THEM…)

Kaname: Think about it Aidou, you will marry Yuuki and as a reward I may punish you more often….

Aidou (drawling) with little hearts in his eyes: How often? Can we have a BDSM session?

Kaname (with a devious smile): Now, Aido don't PUSH YOUR LUCK. I am generous but not that much…

Zero (thinking: WHAT IS BDSM? I am still a virgin, having masturbations…now I am in a really dangerous place, this pureblood can rape me anytime now, how did he say his ex-was? God, I can not remember…) NOW LISTEN YOU BLOOD DRINKERS, I AM CALLING THE HUNTERS HERE….

Aido and Kaname in shock turn to Zero who is pointing them with Bloody Rose. Aido's father in fear of his boy's luck gets in from the next room, offering his body a as a shield…

Aidou's dad (getting in and interrupting): HANABUSA I WILL SAVE YOU!… KILL ME… YOU HUNTER…

Kaname: A! Aidou's dad is a really good parent.

Zero: Are you sure about this?

Aidou's dad: Hey I've been raising up my boy with excellent manners, teaching him…

Zero: Aha, No, you did not get it, to kill you, is it all right to kill you? (thinking: At last no more moving ducks…)

Aidou: No, No DAD!

Kaname: Now Aidou…Look of all the mess that you have created.

Aidou: I?

Aidou's Dad: You will marry Kaname-sama's sister! You will honor our family and prove to all the fandom that you are not gay either wise I will die!

Aidou: FINE! But you must know I am not touching her either….

Kaname: Ah I knew that I could count on your mind Aidou.

Aidou: And my body Kaname-Sama...let's not forget about that...

Zero (following Aidou's dad around in the room): So no killing? Just think about it..really…I am a good hunter…it won't hurt…much.

Kaname: Kiruy…gather your gun and let's go and tell it to Yuuki.

Aido: You mean she does not know?

Kaname: Well it's not like we intended to hide it…

Zero: If she knew she would love it…I am certain…

Aidou's dad: Better than nothing son…

Aidou following Kaname and Zero: Hey guys, about that punishment…I am ready…

Aidou's dad: HANABUSA!…


	3. Chapter 3

Two weeks after, Kuran Mansion...

Place: Kaname's secret chamber

Kaname (thinking): At last some peace , Yuuki and Aido are happily married (at last and do not ask how) and while they spend their honey moon at the exotic island full of fresh mangos that I bought (excusively for Yuuki's happiness) I am ready to go to slumber... I hope that when I wake up the next Kuran descendant will be older than what Yuuki was...I can not turn into a baby each time- it's ridiculously time-consuming... Now let's set the alarm clock to 1.000 thousand years and...

Kaname's eyes blink into a vicious grimace as he sees that into his coffin, Rido rests...

Kaname: What? how dare you -mere remain of an attachment- sleep inside of my coffin? Get out!

Rido: No, I will rest here in eternity and I will never forgive you, fake succesor, ancestor and nephew for what you did...

Kaname: What did I do?

Rido: (still relaxed in the coffin with his eyes shut): Give my little Yuuri to another man...An outsider...Why? Why couldn't you give her to me, WE ARE FAMILY, but no...you had to go and just gave her to anyone else but me, your own FLESH and BLOOD...YOU SON OF YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO. (Getting Up)

Kaname: Her name is Yuuki...and we are not family...you were banned from our family tree...

Rido: Who wants to have you for an ancestor or nephew? You selfish...bastard..and who cares what's her name is? I AM OUTRANGED...and No, I won't let you go into a slumber...I can already see you, alone and desperate under that tree waiting for a passenger to come by to remind you of your name...Just put a label on you this time...Here I made one while I was cursing you...

Rido throws to Kaname's foot a wooden plakat, the inscription on it writes: "Hello, my name is Kaname Kuran, feel free to name me however you want, I do not remember. For this century the name that really suits me is JERK!"

Kaname: I have had enough I shall make you vanish...

Rido: If you do that then your coffin will be filled with my blood and then guess into whose arms you are going to end up sleeping for the next 1.000 years...I may not have a penis anymore but do you know what I can do with my little finger? Ha?

Suddenly the bell rings and Kaname leaves to go upstairs...Rido flies away to go..somewhere..

Kaname: Zero? Oh I knew it was you, I could smell my blood in your veins from kilometres away...

Zero: I hate you! I am here as a representative of the hunters to make you some questions about Sara's moves in chapter...(looks down at his block)..66.

Kaname: Ah...! I also want to make you some questions...

Zero gets shocked as Kaname puts his hand around his shoulder...

Kaname: Now...how do you do it with that electric axe? Have you brought a whip with you? You know...hunter's way (blinks his eye)...

Zero's eyes widen with shock...

Zero: Get your beastly hands of me! You rotten vampire.

Zero distances himself from Kaname and pulls out Bloody Rose.

Bloody Rose: Now you are overdoing it...

Zero: What? Who said that? Oh now you speak? It is your fault last time I made a spectacle of myself.

Bloody Rose: Really? Now why don't you confess it, you spend 5 minutes talking to yourself asking "to shoot or not to shoot, to kill or not to kill...you do this in every chapter!"

Kaname: Ah that reminds me; "To live or not to live"? Zero you are such a poet!

Zero: Shut up! I was not questioning myself, no! You betrayed me, you liked him...

Bloody Rose: I? I never cheated you like you did when you went to kiss or not to kiss...

Zero: I? I never kissed...

Bloody Rose: Liar..

Zero: That was after "to kiss or not to kiss scene"..it does not count..

Bloody Rose: Of course it did...you were thinking about it!

Kaname: Ah! I see you have some "personal" issues...I will be in the kitchen..(thinking and talking to YOU: Yes, that was the ancestor's voice and now you know why I gave that gun to Zero...)

After one hour Kaname returns in the living room. He finds Zero gasping for air at the armchair with bloody rose at his hand which has dropped to the side. Zero has sweat all over his face and he is shaking...

Zero: I finally made up my mind! After a hard fight with myself I decided not to kill you...for the good of the organization...a, A, A, (long breathes...)

Kaname sits at the armchair across...

Kaname: Good! Now what was it that you wanted to tell me before I started screwing with you...

Zero with all of his strength pulls again the Bloody Rose...

Bloody Rose: Not again...you just said you decided...let's not go through it again...

Zero: (with really heavy breathing...) Now...I de..ci..ded...I...shall...ki-il you...

Kaname: Zero you really look awful...now do you want a blood tablet? I got a new delivery this morning...they say they have been improved..

Kaname opens the bottle and gets some tables, they are violet...

Zero with his remaining strength stretches his hand and swallows them all ..

Kaname: Tell me what you think about it...they say they are better...

but I really do not like their new violet colour so my first thought when I saw you walking in...was to try them on you...so if you die it won't be my fault...

Zero (gasping for air lighter): You used me to test the tablets?

Kaname: Well...no. I just used your need for the tablets to be precise...

Zero: Then I shall...(Zero's eyes start rolling and between his legs a small tube appears...

Kaname: What?

Zero: Oh I feel great...Oh that's wonderful...

Kaname: Really?

Zero: Yes! yes! (Happy excited face looking at Kaname almost drawling..) I do not want to kill purebloods anymore...neither I want blood...

Kaname: Well since you did not die or anything...(kaname swallows the whole bottle..)

Kaname looks at Zero in a weird look...Zero rises his eyebrows..

Zero: Do you feel it...?

Kaname (feeling his penis ready to explode and the necessity to have sex)

Zero: The new tablets...

Kaname: What the hell? Viagra and blood?

Zero: Let's not talk about things that do not concern us.

Zero pulls out the Bloody Rose...

Zero: GET YOUR CLOTHES OFF! ON YOUR FOUR!

Bloody Rose: OMG this is epic HE MADE A DECISION!

Zero: SHUT UP!

Bloody Rose: OMG HE IS A MAN!

Zero: I AM NOT JUST A MAN...

Kaname: You are MY man...And you certainly need to show me your gun right now! How hunters do it!

They both look each other into the eye, Zero drops Bloody Rose and hugs Kaname...with passion..

THE BELL RINGS

Kaname: What is this? Not now...

Zero: Just when I decided to do something!..Who ever this is GET AWAY- I am a vampire hunter and I am horny...to death..

Yuuki's cries sound behind the door..

Yuuki: Kaname onii-sama? Zero? How can you do this to me? Is that why you wanted to get rid of me? Hahaaha (cries)...

Both men looked each other astonished

Kaname, Zero: Dumn it!

Kaname goes and opens the door, Yuuki drops to his arms..

Kaname: But what happened here Yuuki? Shouldn't you be in the tropical, eating mangos all night long? Where is Aidou?

Yuuki with tears..

Yuuki: He died...! I did it...

Zero: OMG why, why do you punish me? Are you still a virgin?

Yuuki: What Zero!

Kaname: Are you?

Yuuki: Of course I am!

Zero, Kaname: Dumn it!

Yuuki: Look at yourselves, shame on you! I am telling you I am an official widow and you only care about sex...

Zero: We are horny...

Kaname: We just took Viagra blood tablets (remind me tomorrow to thank whoever did it...)

Zero: He had more...

Kaname: We are dangerous and you are a virgin!

Yuuki: AIDO IS DEAD! A LION KILLED HIM WHEN I TURNED MY BACK TO GET SOME MANGOS! I SHOULD NOT HAVE TURNED MY BACK! I COULD HAVE HELPED HIM!

Kaname: So now you can't but what about us?

Yuuki: AAAAAAAA! I- I just heard the lion and then I was searching for him for two weeks...

Zero: Two weeks...?

Kaname: Two weeks?

Yuuki: Yes I did...but I could not find him ...I killed him...Kaname Onii-sama...

Kaname: Please, Yuuki, for the first time it's just Onii-Sama...

Zero: Should we keep her for a threesome or what?

Kaname: Ah, yes let's not forget the priorities, sex first, discussion later...

Yuuki (in shock): What are you doing? What are you?

Both men are starting hugging and licking her neck

Yuuki: Aaaaaaaaa...HELP...

Kaname: Now Yuuki is not our fault you are a widow...

Zero: And a virgin...

Yuuki: That's Onii-Sama's fault...

Kaname: Here, I will fix it...

Zero: Oh come on Yuuki...I am a virgin too, let's share the experience...

Yuuki: You perverts...I am going to tell to the whole world about this...LET ME GO!

Kaname: Fine! Zero show that gun...only to me...in case she sees what she is missing ...

Zero: This is not a gun Kuran...this is a fire machine (unzipping his pants...)

Kaname: Then...Shoot me Hunter!

Zero: OMG (hands trembling)..the zipper is stuck

Kaname bends down trying to release it..they both do as they are speaking to a shocking red as a tomato Yuuki...

Yuuki: This CAN NOT BE HAPPENING...WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU TWO? I AM LIVING A NIGHTMARE...

Kaname: Actually it's a parody but I am astonished Yuuki you do not support pacifism...is this what I taught you?

Zero: Now Cross will be so disappointed with you Yuuki...and the hunters too..

Kaname: Make a call to him Zero, he can still make it and see his ideals come to life...

Zero: After all this fight he will be thrilled...Stop preventing the world's peace with your narrow mind, Yuuki...OMG NOW I SEE THE TRUTH...I AM SO HAPPY! LET'S MAKE LOVE NOT WAR!

Kaname: I don't see anything, the truth is hidden under the zip...I will rip it apart with my teeth...

Yuuki: I can't see anymore of this mess...(fainting at the couch)...

The Bell rings again...

Happy voices calling: HAPPY SLUMBER KANAME-SAMA..WE ALL CAME FOR YOUR PARTY..

Kaname gets up surprised...

Zero, Kaname: What party?

Happy voices: Your uncle Rido came in person and invited us all to your slumber party...

Kaname opens the door with anger and 200 fangirls (Sara's harem) jump at his arms...Kaname falls down...Ruka, Kain, Shiki, Rima, Sara and Takuma step in...

Sara: I brought the girls to say a good bye to you...Here girls let the party begin...

Kaname looks around him, the girls have started dancing and Zero is already on top of the middle table having a strip-tease since the girls undress him...

Kaname: What?

Ruka: Oh Kaname-Sama do not pay notice to all of this stupid fangirling...I know why you pushed Yuuki and Aidou away...let's say I am a cool and smart girl...would you mind if I laid next to you to the coffin? to wake you up in time, I do not mind waiting...

Kaname (erotic glance): Well under the circumstances your offer is highly considered...let's make a rehearsal...

Cain: Do you mind if I also come along? I will only lay at Ruka's feet...she can kick me if I take too much space. I mean...

Ruka: Akatsuki..don't be my stalker anymore...go find another one...

Cain: (in low voice) But Ruka didn't you want to prove to Kaname what a cool girl you are...

Ruka: Who is cool? I AM HOT, HOT, HOT! Please Kaname-Sama taste...

Kaname: In the state I am I taste everything...even Rido's remains...

Takuma: It's good to see you Kaname...Ah you look a bit high and Zero too...

The vampires take a look at Zero who has finally remain with his silver slip...

Zero: Now are you ready to see that GUN? You bloody vampire girls? Do you want to see the real hunter's BIG POWER AND KILLING WEAPON?

Girls: Yes...YES...ALL!

Sara: So you tasted that new tablets...

Kaname: YES!

Sara: And Zero?

Zero: YES...

Sara: Yes! I am the Queen of passion...hit it boys...the girls are all yours...Oh I am so glad that this war ended before even it started in such a peaceful...

Kaname: Perhaps this is not a bad idea after all but let's no delay it anymore...I can't control my lust any longer...

After many hours Yuuki wakes up and sees that the Kuran mansion has been transformed into a pit of lust. Naked bodies lay all around her after a night full of biting and love-making...

Yuuki: Zero...? Onii-Sama? What happened? Ah? what are all of these bodies all around? NO! NO! This can not be Kaname Oniisama acts? Can it? And Zero? Where are they?

Yuuki: Kaname...Zero...?

Suddenly a hand grabs her and the vampire who drags her starts running outside of the house...

Yuuki: Ichijou what? what are you doing?

Takuma: I think it's safe here outside...they won't hear us..

Yuuki: hear what?

Takuma: Yuuki you are the only one...

Yuuki (eyes wide open): The only one?

Epic Music...

Takuma: You must save the world...and Kaname and Zero...

Yuuki (shocked): Me?

Terror Music...

Takuma (with a smile): Well it's not like the writer of this story left anyone else available...YES (bright smile)! All the others are addicted to the blood-Viagra tablets.

Yuuki (determined look and EPIC MUSIC, WINDS BLOWS TO HER HAIR): Then so be it! I am determined, let it be me Yuuki Cross Kuran the girl that will save the world. I promise this time (I am sorry Aidou, I was looking at the mango) but this TIME I SHALL NOT LOOK AWAY...


	4. Chapter 4

_This is a bit long and I was thinking to break it into two chapters but for time's economy I didn't. This is only for fun and don't take anything seriously, the script is quite lunny and you should enjoy this as such. Dark mood VK has in the last chapters so I thought; "Let's cheer it up"..._

* * *

Yuuki: Wonderful! The only available room in the house after Sara's harem occupation in ALL rooms is the slumber's chamber...Now I must sleep inside of the coffin! What decadence! Who? Me! Yuuki Kuran , the future savior of the vampire and human race!

Rido: Cha!

Rido flies and exhibits to her a huge panel above of her head, hanged from the left and right columns, which she had not noticed upon entering. With huge letters is says: WELCOME HOME YUURI!

Yuuki (hair on the air, shocked eyes): You are alive!

Rido: Yes...look now we may have a little funtional problem here but have I showed to you what I can do with my little finger?

Yuuki grabs Artemis...

Yuuki (swinging Artemis above her head): Don't you even dare touch me! Not even onii-sama dared to...

Rido: Μ, yes and that does not worry you at all? M? I mean who could resist to that flat surface you call breast or that full of agony widen eyes as plates. M? What more proof do you need? Such an incompetent nephew-ancestor he is. He shames the Kuran familly. In my time there was not a single female vampire not raped in town. They heard "Kuran" and they used to ran kilometers away... Now they hear Kuran and they line up to get a manicure-pedicure...and the idiot thinks that they do this because they like him! (He pulls his hair and crashes his head against the wall) See why I did try tryto get rid of him? I am afraid that he will turn the house into "Kuran's Manicure-Pedicure Pureblood Saloon". Ahhh! I can't stand it. And while he waits for their nails to dry, he will tell them their fortune..."Ah here I have a premonition...". I can still save the family's name and honor, Yuuri...! HELP ME!

Yuuki: GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! I SHALL CALL THE HUNTERS HERE TO FINISH YOU...

Rido sits at the top surface of the column like the Chester cat in Alice in Wonderland, only his head is obvious to the eye...smirking down at Yuuki's face...

Rido: WHO? Ah that worthless friend with the bleached hair? Ha, he mentioned in the official fanbook that he likes woman with big boobs. You do not stand a chance Υuuri...M, now that I look better are you, are you sure you are my Yuuri? What happened to these nice curves? Old age ha?

Yuuki sneaks down at her boobs making a guilty face: (Ten years...still nothing...I am sorry Zero, now I know why it was not destined to be)

Yuuki: I am not Yuuri, I am Yuuki Kuran...! And you are a dead piece of meat...

Rido: Now cool it down...mmm...how did you say your name was? Well, never mind...really, have you noticed what is going on around you?

Yuuki's eyes scan the room to spot any action going around her...

Rido: M, yes...I mean in general?

Yuuki (sudden smile up to her ears): Yes! Sara changed the blood tablets with blood-Viagra tablets so all the town will go on orgies and she can take control of all vampires...

Rido: You figured that alone?

Yuuki: (guilty expression) Em, yes! yes!

Rido: Peculiar... anyway forget Kaname and Zero, the only sane around here, as you can judge by yourself, is me. We can still marry me Yuuri...and have more descedants like me, let's defend this world against manicurist and bleached hair...

Yuuki: Over my dead body...I am going to find the manicurist, eh, Kaname I mean, yes Kaname, and he will settle this in no time...(runs away)...

Rido (enraged): Yes, yes! Tell him that this season blue-electric is in fashion for the nails...he will certainly appreciate it.! Stupid...he is trying to get rid of you...

Shiki is running to avoid the hits and blows from Rima's powers…

Yuuki: Shiki? Rima? Aaaaaaaa...

Shiki: It's not my fault Rima, it's not my fault...!

Rima: I am going to kill you! You pig! Giving your pokky to these sluts...You had promised that no one but me, would put hands on that pokky...

Shiki: Help cousin!

Yuuki: STOP IT! STOP IT! Rima, what did Shiki do?

Rima: He gave his pokky to fifteen of these schoolgirls...

Yuuki: All of it?

Rima: Aha and when I found him this afternoon and I put my hand there to get the pokky, there was no pokky left...the mountain had turned to valley...the fountain into a pool...

Shiki: Hey Rima, I was too lazy to say "NO"...

Rima: ...Come here!

Yuuki: Omg I should hurry and save the world...the first episodes of the crisis are obvious...M, Hey have you seen Kaname or Zero? I must search them on my own.

Kaname is at the shower for the last thirty minutes trying to wake up...

Zero: Hey! You plague of the world's war one, get out before the water turns into ice!

Kaname: Ah, Zero you wake up?

Zero: Unfortunately yes...bloody day...I want to shoot something...my brain has stopped functioning...and I have a headache!

Kaname: Ya? A reader said it is the plot...

Zero: Hey..what happened here last night? I remember nothing...Why was I naked at the floor. Have you seen my clothes? Do you know how I get the bus to get out of here? And Most importantly has Yuuki returned as a widow or was it my fantasy?

Kaname brings his hand on his face in a despair running out of patience look...

(Silence)

Zero: Have you any intention of answering any of these questions and if you don't, then why?

Suddenly the bathroom's door explodes and a furious Kaname grabs Zero by the throat pushing him against the opposite wall...

Zero: Do it if I find the chance I may kill you first...

Kaname: Look at you! A level-e...vampire hunter who does nothing all day and night than buzzing me with all kind of stupid questions...I really hate you...

Kaname pushes Zero against the wall and Zero pulls Bloody Rose, he shoots but nothing happens...He looks down at his gun...

Bloody Rose: I am on a strike...today...I shall join the forces of the all employees that are protesting about the economical crisis of the planet!

Zero: Dumn!

The wall penetrates and they suddenly find themselves at the corridor in front of the eyes of an astonished Yuuki.

Yuuki: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (she closes her eyes with her hands, well almost...)

Zero and Kaname take a look around them and they realize that they are out at the corridor naked. Kaname frees Zero and they both cover their members. Yuuki has closed her eyes with her hands...

Yuuki: No! I promised to save the world but I am starting to afraid that this mission is going to cost me my virginity...

Zero: That was not my fantasy! She is back!

Kaname: You stupid vampire-hunter, you should have been at the other wall...A script as simple as this is and you can not follow!

Zero: You pushed me! You freak!

Yuuki: Stop ! You make no sense! Do something! Go dress yourselves!

Kaname: Yes...Yes...

Zero stops Kaname who looks at him with a curious look.

Zero: Aren't You ashamed to bend always to her wishes? Show some resistance! You are a disgrace to all manhood several chapters now! Listen to me woman I am the man here, I will decide what I will do...not you! I! Get out of my way before I kill you...

Yuuki ( with hearts pumping out): OMG Zero! When you are talking like this...

Zero: Move it Kuran! Didn't you hear what the girl say? God you must learn manners!

They turn around to leave...

Kaname: I was just saving us time...

Zero: Couldn't you just say so?

Kaname uses his powers to shut the wall...

Yuuki: This cannot be happening to me! If I do not save them, I will end up in the basement with uncle Rido called Yuuri for the rest of eternity...And I shall never enjoy another pedicure again nor ask Zero how that gun is called, which again I do not remember but anyway...life can be really cruel...

Sara (passing by the corridor): Yuuki, you look pale, are you all right?

Yuuki: Yes, yes everything is fine...

Sara: Good...how is Aidou?

Yuuki: Ah fine, better than ever!

Sara: Well tell him my hellos...(she leaves going inside another room of the house...) excuse me now but I must seek that Takuma does the laudry, cleans the floors, swipes the furniture and so many other works...I do not even understand how you managed to stay here for so long. I mean without me. I intend to stay...so everything must be perfect.

Yuuki: I won't let you have it your way...no I promise! I shall find a way to stop your evil plans.

Zero: Where are my clothes? All right this is not funny, I have serious problems in my life, I am a vampire hunter on a mission, Yuuki has come back, I need to investigate what happened here last night, I have lost my clothes, I need to cover my track, no one in the association must learn about this (Here Kaname from the other side of the room pushes the security's camera record button on...) and there is a party at the graveyard tonight that I am going to miss because of this mess...My life sucks...So where are my clothes?

Bloody Rose: La, la, la, la, la, la, la...A-ka-tu- a-ka-tu...

Zero: Stop singing that stupid song...! I need to get out of here as soon as possible...

Kaname: Here... (he throws to him a black shirt and a trouser)

Zero: Satin?

Kaname: Well...since YOU left your clothes here last night...After the STRIPTEASE...

Zero: I am not deaf..WHAT STRIPTEASE?

Kaname: THE STRIPTEASE THAT YOU DID...(Too loud voice for Kaname)

Zero: Kuran why are you shouting? I am standing next to you...in case you went blind.

Kaname: (whisper): Oh it's the microphones that I worry...

Zero: What?

Kaname: See now how deaf you are...THE STRIPTEASE YOU DID...TO MY HOUSE..INFRONT OF MY EYES...

Zero: What the hell happened to my memory? Did you erase it? This is ridiculous I only came here to investigate Sara's motives...and I can not remember a thing...WHAT THE HELL OF A GAME ARE YOU PLAYING BEHIND MY BACK?

Kaname: Well, do you remember coming to my house?

Zero: Of course I do...

Kaname: Do you remember that you wanted to kill me?

Zero: I still do...

Kaname: Do you remember you collapsed to the chair and needed blood tablets? Or you would loose yourself in the lust?

Zero: Apparently...

Kaname: Then why are you denying it?

Zero: I never denied that! Are you on drugs? We were talking about the striptease?

Kaname: And then I gave you some tablets and you made a striptease...

Zero: I? Are you sure that was I? The last thing I remember was the vague memory of Yuuki's voice...saying something about Aido...

Kaname: Yes you skip the part when you were telling me about your gun? that is a fire machine?

Bloody Rose: Oh he said a good word about me? Well it's known that I am so good that I..

Kaname: Not you Rose, Zero..

Zero (throwing a quick glance to his other gun...): Ah, I do not remember of such a thing.

Kaname: By the way now you mention Yuuki that brings me to another point. Now that she is widow...you heard her..she wants you like crazy...you should marry her as always I will provide the Kuran manor and uncle Rido's remains..

Zero: (sarcastic smile)...!

Kaname: Well I would also offer another island full of mangos but...I am bored to death searching for another groom.

Zero: THERE IS NO WAY! I PREFER MEETING MY DEATH THAN HER..

Kaname: The one does not exclude the other!

Zero: Get the hell out of here!

Kaname: gladly...

Zero: Stay here! stay here!

Bloody Rose: Ah that decisive nature of him spoke once again...

Zero: She came back to you...!

Kaname: Simply because we are related. I am her brother, it's not proper to see her in any other way.

Zero: ARE YOU PULLING MY LEG? Ten volumes, 2000 pages and 236762372638628 lines full of chaos and manipulation to get her back and now you don't want her? Even Cross played it a man and hanged his apron for your sake...Not to mention that one year now all the fandom watches your desperate attempts to make her to call you Kaname! Did you ever think the easiest way to achieve it instead of telling her stories about your grandpa and the age of the Ices?

Kaname: What is that?

Zero: Take the cookies, put in a jar and put the jar at the top shelve. Tell her that she will not get it unless she calls you Kaname. She is short...and apparently judging from her boobs, she won't grow anymore...now that's a panel, two maybe, not twenty F*****G chapters...

Kaname: I changed my opinion, now I want her to call me only onii-sama...

Zero: I WILL KILL YOU!

Kaname: With what? Rose is on a strike today! Listen to me you bloody hunter! You think you are going to get yourself out of this? This entire story would not have happened if you had taken her and had kissed her when she had been asking about it. I tried, I did everything I could to get you two together...I let you to bite her, to kiss her, now is it my fault that you did not rape her like any logical starved level e-punk with a drop of common sense would do in your position? I gave you all the chances to have her, I even, as a good patiently brother remained in the dark while you groped her ass...

Zero: I? No! She groped my ass! She said it was an accident but I do not believe her, I just wanted the blood...

Kaname: Ah so you confess...you only wanted the blood...

Zero: Yes and I even stated that in the chapter where we separated...see here (magically he takes out VK vol.10 from the rear pocket of his pants) the line, I have proof, stated in the manga! "It only wanted your blood Yuuki". See, No body, soul, heart... Here I will remind you of your own acts or words (throws that volume and another one lands to his hands from the roof)...

Zero: See "I love you more than any-thing in the world...Now you can not get away with that.

Kaname: (amazed look tries to hide it): Well I had feelings as a good brother. Who am I supposed to love if not my own blood and flesh? Whereas you (vicious look) you just suck her dry and then dump her, you scum!..You took advantage of my little baby sister and then you deserted her with the first lame excuses (gay thin voice: "Go, Yuuki..."). I am not Yuuki you stupid vampire! You shall pay for the lost Kuran honor and blood...

Zero: Empties his pockets...Hey, hey...let's not exaggerate, let's go to my place, there I have some jewelry from my deceased mama (head down) Take it to clean the shame away...

Kaname: You bastard! You think you can get away from your duties as a man with a few jewelry, whereas I have taken the blame for everything thirteen volumes now. Instead of saying "Thank you" that I gathered her from the streets after you had drained her and no other vampire would take her used and bitten as she was..this fandom accuses me of everything...in a few more chapters they are going to put the blame on me for the economical crisis and the ecological disaster of the planet.

Bloody Rose: They do Kaname! I just connected my spirit with the strikes riot. They seem to have replaced Obama's picture with your own.

Kaname: (Shocked gaze) (thinking: Screw VK I shall take over the whole planet and run for president...let Sara play here the Queen in the VK land, I'll eat her once I'll conquer the White House...then I say I won't remember I did so...) To Zero: (sad look) How can I survive if they all accuse me about all the wrong doings on earth (sweet painful look)?

Zero: It's not their fault. You were there when the ecological disaster happened that changed humans to vampires and now that you apperead again we are facing an economical crisis...that makes me want to ask another question; Where you also there when the dinosaurs vanished from the face of earth?

Bloody Rose: He was...that's why he pretends he does not remember...

Kaname: Now I think its time to fullfil my original plans and restore justice to my name! Zero: Meaning?

Kaname: They won't call me anymore, Kaname-Sama but Mr. President Kaname-Sama... (dull look)...Oh yes...that was my original scope all along but I had to start from somewhere so to make a carreer I had to sit at my ex-...

Zero: What? What is that supposed to mean? Are you still on drugs?

Kaname: Now you should take care of Yuuki...

Zero: What? This is your problem...

Yuuki's voice coming from the corridor

Yuuki: Kaname, Zero you are not fighting because of me again do you? I can hear your shouts...

Zero: Oh No!

Kaname: How did you think about it Yuuki?

Zero: How did you even think at all?

Yuuki: ha? I am not hearing you well...

Kaname: We are fighting who will be the lucky guy to stay by your side...

Zero: Forever! (To Kaname): Say you will stay with her forever so I won't die over anxiety! (To Yuuki:) Yes, we can find a solution here! as always!

Yuuki: Oh that's so sweet but we have trouble, now apparently I need to talk to both of you...as I came into serious decision about the future of the vampire race. So I need you both to...we need to do this together!

Kaname: Run! (picks the tape from the recording system quickly)

Zero: From the Window!

Yuuki: What? Aren't you going to come out? This is serious! I need both of you NOW!

The two men look at each other in a panicked way. Zero jumps infront and opens the window

Zero: We are coming!

Kaname: In a second... (Overthrowing Zero to the side): Purebloods go first...

Zero: Curse you and your blood line...A Vampire hunter like me jumping from the windows...running away with my worst enemy afraid of a little pureblood girl, if anyone sees me in that condition, Bloody Rose have you finished the strike?

Rose: Yes...

Zero: I will kill him!

Bloody Rose: Hurry up Boys!

Yuuki: What is happening in there? Who was that woman's voice? Hey! I am coming in!

Kaname and Zero in a mad state jump from the window and they both land at the ground running away...

Yuuki opens the door, scans the room and runs to the window...

Yuuki shouting: Zero, Kaname come back!

Sara is standing behind her...

Sara: YOU STUPID LITTLE GIRL... (turns her head to Takuma who is standing at the corner of the aisle) Takuma take off that silly house cleaner's uniform, polish my shoes and cook for all the people in here.

Takuma: 200 people?

Sara: Let it be your lucky day...Kaname and Zero escaped off the window so it's only 180 now. Me..on the other hand I am so unhappy...(cries)...my plan is on the air...they left! (stabs a knife to the table). I need to take action now!

Yuuki who hears her shows a bright smile

Yuuki: thinking (I have no idea how I did that but I did save Kaname and Zero and this is only the beginning, HEY WORLD I AM COMING!)

Zero and Kaname still running away turn their heads as furious citizens with packages, babies, dogs, even old people with their wheeling chair desert the town.

Zero: Something happened?

Hollywood

You can picture here a huge modern building with a enormous sign that says "Idol's Filming Industry"

Aido sits at the leather chair of a grand wooden office has put gel on his hair, he is wearing a spotless white suit with black sunglasses and has laid his legs on the desk, enjoying his leather armchair's comfortable siting. Right now he is speaking on the phone.

-Oh yes Steven, this film is going to be a great success, it's called "The man under the tree". I have already the full rights of the distribution at the cinemas. Hm...never mind where I found the DVD, now I am going to leave and speak to you tomorrow...em..have you prepared the 169 fan girls that shall be waiting to cheer me at the exit door? A thank you! Then I shall delay a bit so they idolize me a bit more...Au revoir...

The secretary comes in delivering the morning newspaper...

Secretary: Hi...

Aido sweetly looks at her beautifully shaped legs and lifts his sunglasses with a hidden mischievous glance.

Aidou: So you are not dead from my charm.

Secretary: Ha, no Mr. Idol, not yet...but the moment you shall show your fangs to me, I will be..

Aidou smiles in a content way.

Secretary: By the way Mr. Idol, I was down at the studios post-production and saw a scene from the new movie...so who is he?

Aidou (suspicious look): Who?

Secretary: that good-looking young man that stars at the film, the man under the tree...snifs...who loses his girlfriend at the end...how touchy...

Aido gets a hanger chief from his pocket and the secretary spreads her hand to take it...but she realizes that this is for Aido who is also crying...

Aidou: I know...(blowing his nose! and sobbing now) You noticed him too? Well, I cannot reveal anything...

Secretary: Please Mr. Idol...

Aidou: (breaks in tears) I shall never see him again! I have decided it!

Secretary: So neither will I?

Aidou looks back at her with a killer look.

Secretary (apologizing glare): I mean since I work for you and you shall never see him, I shall never meet him...ah that's so awful...

Aidou (Putting his hands on his face... ): I had to find a way to escape his virgin-hungry for mangos, lustful sister...but I...I shall honor him in my way...with this DVD that I am turning into a theater movie I shall make him famous and one day he may forgive me and accept me back for what I did...

Secretary: (Sobbing) So I still have chances to meet him after all?

Aidou: Get out Now! I do not want another Ruca in here...

Finally left alone Aidou gets out of his drawer the album with Kaname's photos that he had secretely taken back at the academy...

Aidou: (hearts at his eyes) Ah Kaname...

Back at the Kuran Manor

Ruca: Ah what do you mean they left?

Yuuki: I just opened the door and they had gone from the window...

Ruca: Yuuki did you do anything to them?

Yuuki: No, well not in the last two chapters...

Ruca: Then we should investigate...Call Takuma to help we are detectives after all.

Yuuki: I did try to reach him but Sara has put him to wash the laundry of the harem and then he needs to cook dinner and swipe the floors and shine the jewelry...

Ruca: How much of a masochist can he be?

Kain: All right, I checked all the rooms the harem is sleeping and Sara is on the living room's couch where she has not moved for the last ten hours drinking tea..

Ruka: Not at all?

Kain: Well okay, she did visit the toilet five times, ate biscuits...and ordered Takuma to make some more tea and bring more biscuits and..

Ruca: That's enough...Yuuki you go to find Zero..I shall find Kaname..

Yuuki: Okay...hm..Wait why should I find Zero?

Ruca: Well obviously I am not acquainted with him as well as you are.

Kain: Yes I agree we could go looking for Zero.

Ruca (already distancing herself) : Yes..yes go ahead...

Kain (shouting behind her): Yes...you and I...together I meant...e hello there...wait... (runs to Ruca)...sorry Yuuki...

Yuuki: Ah never mind...I am going to find Zero that should be easy either to the shrink or the graveyard...

At the same time Zero's apartment

Zero is at the shower while Kaname rests in bed and offers a manicure to himself. Bloody Rose rests at the bed's down side close to Kaname's feet...

Kaname: (while doing his nails) So Rose, I do not mean to interfere but when was the last time he ever made you a manicure? Or took you in a nice romantic restaurant? or even bought you flowers?

Bloody Rose: MM? Oh, let me think! Let me think! Never...

Kaname: Exactly! Now you might not be in your body but you are the ancestor and you deserve some respect and attention. Look at Yuuki, she might be just 17 years old but I made her a manicure...I took care of her..

You have rights! It's not like I am blind, I see the way he touches you throwing you all over things all the time, at the bed, at the sofa, at the tiles. And all the time he puts you away under his jacket in the dark...not once has he taken you out to see society...

Bloody Rose: His touch is so rough and cold (sobs) and he treats me like I do not exist! He never asks me if I agree on something, he is the one taking all the decisions! He never asked: "Rose do you like where I am heading?" Or "Rose do you want to kill that vampire?" All he knows is to pull my trigger!

Kaname: Exactly! Now in the century that we are leaving this is not permitable. You deserve to be his equal and he needs to treat you that way. Where is the girl I once knew?

Bloody Rose: You are RIGHT, I am turning sensitive over the years! From now on no more favors, he will treat me as his equal or I shall never again offer my services.

Kaname: Exactly! Good for you Rose, now think of my little sister.

Bloody Rose: Who?

Kaname: Yuuki...

Bloody Rose: A!

Kaname: As you are a woman you should be able to understand more... Now what is it fair what he did to her? First used her for his purposes, took all that she had to give, then he dumped her and he let her go away with the first vampire?

Bloody Rose: First vampire? You refer to yourself?

Kaname: Yes, because it is known that I am the ancestor...

Bloody Rose: A! Well...the way you make it sound, it's awful..

Kaname: I know, you should help me Rose and I shall give you one of the best manicures..ssss, he is coming...

Zero: Where you saying something?

Kaname: Ah now you hear voices? Your condition gets worsen with each chapter...

Zero: So you stayed here long enough, when do you intend to go away?...

Kaname: Soon enough!

Zero: Well if you are waiting for the death to come and take you, just ask me okey...I can shoot you straight to hell...

Kaname: The last time that devil saw me got scared and ran away...

Zero: No offense, but you are literally homeless...anyway...Like I care...I am going to kill vampires and then join that party at the graveyard. (He picks up Bloody Rose)...

Zero picks up Bloody Rose while Kaname is still doing his nails.

Bloody Rose: Get your hands off me Zero Kiruy! Who do you think that you are bossing me all the time around and telling me when to shoot? I am going on a strike and I demand an apology, a dinner at a French restaurant and a pedicure!

Zero: What the Hell! Have you lost it? What is going on here?

Bloody Rose: I will show you mr Tsundere who is in charge here. Every one will say that you gun is out of bullets, ha how does that sound? Let's see how much of a hunter you are now. I demand equality!

Zero: (spelling the word with terror) E-qual-i-..What?

Bloody Rose: Equality! Now take me out for a walk and then a place to dance..

Zero: Are you OUT OF YOUR MIND?

Bloody Rose (jumping on the matress and shooting all around): THAT WAS IT! I HAD HAD ENOUGH!

Zero (jumping all around to avoid the gunshots): Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!

Five hours later

Hunter Association Building

Kaien looks at a pissed off Zero who has left Bloody Rose on Kaien's desk and sits above his head in a threatening manner.

Cross: Yes...now listen Zero, there is no legal excuse introduced by the association that would justify you killing a vampire because he badmouthed you to your gun...

Zero: Aha!...What about killing him for making my gun useless...now look at it...it's empty of bullets..

Cross: Well, did you try to load it?

Zero: (smashing his hand on the desk): what do you think that I am stupid? Of course I tried...she refuses to..open..

Cross: She?

Zero: Yes..yes...come on tell him what you told me, about equality and the rest...come on...!

Silence is spread in the room

Zero: Damn you! You did not put a tongue inside for hours, now you are pretending the innoncent one?

Cross: Hm...yes... (clearing his throat, coughing), Zero I know that you are facing some troubles during the last year but...

Zero: TALK! YOU HEAR ME! Look what he did! (taking Bloody Rose and walking in the room from one side to another) And you are telling me NOT to kill him?

Yagari knocks the door...

Yagari: I am out of cigars and can't work properly...Zero go and fetch me some...

Zero: What?

Cross: Well since your gun does not function... (Zero-killer look) you can always be the errand boy for the association (hm...)

Yagari: What? No bullets ha? It happened also at me, age sixteen with a stupid dancer. Don't worry boy, this things come naturally.

Zero: Damn you! I am going to chase bad vampires...and proove to you whose gun is the best around here.

He grabs Bloody Rose and exits the office...

Yagari (shouting): Its Lucky Strike, the hard package...

Zero: (mumbling)...


End file.
